Becoming Mom

Let's talk about why we are all here. Why is it that no one actually talks about what happens to women when they grow a whole human, have that human, and then have to raise it. We talk about the glowing of pregnancy but we don't really talk about the nitty gritty. We talk about how labor is hard and painful but we don't talk about how vulnerable it is. We talk about how postpartum is exhausting but we don't talk about how lonely it can be even though you're surrounded by family and friends. 

So let's talk. Here are the things I didn't know about pregnancy. Nothing held back here so be prepared. 

-morning sickness sometimes isn't just morning sickness. Ever heard of hyperemsis gravidarum? Google it please. Us mommas who have it would love to stop hearing that "everyone gets a little sick, its normal."

-body hair. I grew hair in places I never expected. Hello long chin hair I have never seen before. What on earth. I thought I was supposed to feel more womanly than ever before?

-constipation. Oh good lord the constipation. 

-stretch marks. In my opinion you're either going to get them or you're not. Don't waste your money on products that just use their marketing to make you feel bad about your body. 

-my husbands breath. Poor man but I have heard this from so many women. I couldn't get too close to my husband in first trimester because I would become so nauseous I would toss my cookies. Luckily he didn't divorce me when I told him he made me physically ill lol

-every time I stood up I played a game called “did I just pee a little or is that amniotic fluid?”

And then comes labor. Whether your birth goes exactly like you planned because you have pleased the labor gods in someway or like in my case things go the exact opposite of your plan, it's something you can never truly prepare for. The part I was the most unprepared for was how vulnerable I felt. When I had Charlie I felt like I had no choices and I was just at the mercy of the doctor and nurses around me. I had no idea that the things they were telling me were suggestions. Where were the list of things I could choose? Not to mention family wanted to be there to meet their first grandchild, great grandchild, or niece. I felt like I was an animal in a circus just being told what to do while everyone watched. Although I adore my family and am so glad they have been such a huge part of my children's' lives, if I could change things I think I would have wanted more privacy during labor. We have made labor a spectator sport when really it is the most intimate and vulnerable part of a woman's life. The only time I have been thankful for how the pandemic has changed the world was when no one could come to the hospital when I had my second baby, Emma. 

Birth is traumatizing and like any trauma, it physically changes your brain. So along with the hormones raging in your body you have neurotransmitters and synapses changing how your brain works, and we wonder why postpartum is hard?

I’m going to make a separate post about postpartum and all the joy it brings so I’m just going to touch on it here. I had no idea I could feel so happy and complete yet so profoundly alone at the same time until postpartum. You’re surrounded by people you love and who love you but no one is really there for you. All eyes and thoughts are on the baby. I felt completely invisible postpartum and like I was instantly supposed to be super mom to this tiny human I didn’t even know yet. Postpartum is beautiful and disgusting and joyful and scary all at once. You’ve all been there, you know. 

We need to start talking about it, all of it. Not just the first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage part. We need to talk about what it’s really like and then maybe the postpartum depression and anxiety rates will go down. Maybe that mom who feels terrified and gross during her pregnancy will know that it’s completely normal to not know if you’re peeing your pants every time you stand up or if it’s amniotic fluid. 

Motherhood is the best kept secret, but it shouldn’t be.